Was That Dominant, Or Was It Just Rude?

[Mistress Quinn]

Some folks have this image of dominants as people who always go around dressed in black leather, verbally abusing and haranguing everybody from store clerks to unsuspecting postal carriers to their next-door neighbors. While I do know a few folks who really act this way (and they're mostly newbie male tops, chuckle), I don't know any folks who act this way who I would consider a responsible and in-control adult, let alone a dominant.

In my lexicon, "Dominant" does not translate to "Asshole". They are two entirely different concepts. People who are discourteous, inhospitable, insecure, rude, pushy, arrogant or nasty, playing power games in real life with nonconsenting others, do not strike me as potentially being responsible or safe dominants. They strike me as being insecure and possibly emotionally unstable, and more likely to behave abusively than responsibly if given the power to do so. Acting like a rude SOB isn't proof of dominance; it's proof that you have no manners and you are socially stunted.

I have occasionally surprised some BDSM community folk who came to visit when they were in town, because I behaved like a polite host rather than "A Dominant." Sheesh, what did they expect, I was going to pour their coffee on the floor and tell them to lick it up? Chuckle. Not on my hardwood floors. Maybe they did expect that, but without explicit negotiation and consent, I just don't go around assuming I have the right to top the world. Your personal sexual orientation is not a "Rudeness Free License" to everybody, no matter what it happens to be.

If someone consents to play BDSM games with you and consents to be submissive to you for the period of time you negotiate, it might well be appropriate to order them around, exercise your power over them and expect them to address you by a title of authority. However, extending that attitude towards people who don't have that kind of intimate relationship with you is in my mind a very serious mistake.

If your wife consents to have sex with you and enjoys it when you kiss and fondle her, that is all very well and good. It is not however automatic license to kiss and fondle intimately every person you meet socially - that would tend to get you punched out very quickly, or even killed or thrown in jail.

Likewise, if one person (or several people) consent to be submissive towards you, it does not translate to giving you the right to behave dominantly towards everyone in sight. Assertively and with self confidence, yes. Aggressively or intimately dominant, no. Consent is a very good thing to be sure of before you attempt to assume a dominant or even a submissive role towards someone.

People who have the need to play petty dominance games in real life that hurt and belittle people aren't dominants, or at least they aren't confident enough in their own dominant status not to be constantly jockeying for position by knocking other people. Being rude to others, belittling them, playing oneupmanship games, bragging, etc, is not dominance. It's rudeness. Rude people are rarely responsible dominants and responsible dominants are rarely rude people. Just my observations on the subject.


---I didn't write this, and unfortunately don't have the authors name

[ddonjj]

Mutual respect and mutual consent along with trust are the cornerstones of a D/s relationship. Obviously a person such as Quinn describes is acting without the consent of the person(s) he is dealing with and is showing a total lack or respect. This type person (Male or female) would not be a person with whom I would want to enter into a realationship as I would not be comfortable in trusting him or her. Just read the posts from the other night by Leatherface on the "other" board to get an idea of what I am talking about.

[Mistress Quinn]

I really do hope that guy is really in Texas, as it says he is.

He could be one of two things.....just a nutcase, who likes to set people off by his comments.

Or, he could be a nutcase, that actually is dangerous.

[tasteofleather]

Quinn:

I thought you said this incredibly well. I met a lady a few months, ago,we felt a mutual attraction, it was gioing to be my first exposure to a d/s possible relationship with me as the sub, but she was just a total bitch.

She just did not get that being rude, abusive, was not attractive at all. Quinn, you know me as a sweet kitty cat type guy, but I showed this lady the door after about three dates! I think this is a common misconception about the d/s relatioships as you said above.

I am still interested in learning about, being in that kind of relationshop, but I will be treated well , I don't care how great she looked in leather.

Tommykitty